Fields of Plenty

16 05 2007

I’m back here again – one year later, in the exact same place as I was before. This time was going to be different. This time, there would be changes made on both ends. This time, we would make more of an effort. This time, we would succeed in doing what we’d failed to do before . Well, this time is the same as last time, and the time before that, and the time before that. History may not repeat itself, but he and I certainly do. Again – and again – and again. Bugger.

At least last time there was an absolute ending. It was O-V-E-R. No going back — we’d never speak to nor see the other again. A month later, my phone rings. A week later, it rings again. The calls increase in frequency, and by the second month he is calling every day, twice a day. By the third, he’s flirting. By the fourth, he is calling me late into the night, telling me he loves me, and that he misses me.

By the fifth month, he discovers that I’m dating someone else. By the sixth, he asks to see me. Two semi-platonic outings later, we begin dating – and it’s good. Things are different – he’s changed and so have I. We go about it tentatively, carefully. The first few months, there are no “State of the Union” discussions. We are undefined, but there is promise of something more. And, eventually, after months of seeing what happens, we are coupled. Again.

Three weeks ago – 6 months into our “reconciliation,” he tells me that he loves me. And I am happy. History should tell me that this is where it all goes awry; this is where his retreat begins. And so it does. With the hot comes the cold. One step forward = two steps back.

And here we are, back again in the same place, where nothing has changed between us. There’s no admission of an end, no cessation of phone calls. But there is a palpable shift. There is neglect. There is disinterest. He views our field as brown and patchy, and has hope of greener pastures. So be it.

I’ve been here before, and I know the direction in which it is heading. It’s actually already there but, unlike last time, I won’t fight it, nor follow it through to the inevitable, bitter end. I’ve learned from the past that, in this relationship, there is no such thing as closure.

I’m checking out a new lawn tonight. It’s okay if it isn’t verdant and lush. I don’t care. I’m stepping out of my own for a spell, because I need the reminder that my yard isn’t the only one on the block, and neither is his. It doesn’t matter if the grass isn’t greener, as long as it’s an entirely new, different shade of green.



13 responses

16 05 2007
carrie m

I will never understand why after an admission of love, of like, of something more than, ‘yeah, I’ll call you’, they back away. Never. Love your metaphor about new lawns. Let’s step out together when I get back from my trip. You are fabulous, so you will attract fabulous.

16 05 2007

….sugar… dont limit yourself to of the best times i EVER HAD it was black with blue ends…

16 05 2007

Wow, great writing, K. Amazing use of metaphor.

16 05 2007
Dallas, Texas

Oh…how I hate that lawn. How I want so badly to bring every dog I know to take a shit on that lawn, over and over and over. But I can’t. You see, there is a fence around that lawn and there’s no door in or out. You know that. I know that. The lawn knows that. But it doesn’t stop the lawn from bouncing balls and invitations to BBQ’s into other lawns.

I hope tonight’s lawn is somehow better.

16 05 2007

I feel you on this. I’ve been through something similar. Hey, at least you know what you have to do and you seem to be handling it well. Cheers to you! :)

16 05 2007

Thank you, my lovelies. I’m french kissing each and every one of you right now – figuratively, that is. xoxo.

Dallas – Oh, how I wish I were puttering around your lawn right now, with bare feet and margaritas in both fists. I miss my friend! Hope you are eating enough guacamole for the both of us.

17 05 2007
Not So Little Woman

You had to try and you did. That makes you very courageous. Now you can move on with a quiet heart. He’s an idiot for letting you go and there will be better things for you. I know, I know, everyone says that. But it’s because it’s true, no matter how cliché it sounds.

17 05 2007

If you let him know he gets to you, he’ll keep calling. That’s what they like. When a girl keeps hanging on. They might still have some feelings, but it’s more of an ego boost than anything. Yes, I’ve been there as well.

Good luck with new pastures, I’m sure you’ll find many more.

17 05 2007

Ugh! I’m kind of there, too. It sucks, and I’m sorry. You have a great attitude, though. I think that I need to take a page out of *your* book.

17 05 2007
The Diva's Thoughts

I absolutely love your writing in this post.

17 05 2007

That’s the funny thing about fields of plenty…sometimes they keep on giving and giving. I think it’s applaudable that you both gave it another chance, and recognized that it wasn’t what you wanted after all.

I agree w/the other posters–good luck w/something new.

17 05 2007

I’m in the middle of something strikingly similar, only I’m the guy here. My “girlfriend” is the one pulling away but not leaving at the same time. What’s up with that?

4 06 2007

so confused. Is this hidden from those who read caged bird sings?
This was a well-written, we have all been there, very sad blog post:(
I hope he turns around…

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